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The Miracle of Friendship

 

 

By Kevin Touhey

 

“To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship.”

                                                            — Thomas Moore

 

As you already know, we moved many times when I was young. We usually moved at night with lights out in the moving van and no forwarding address. This wasn’t anything like the moves that people in the military make in order to better serve the country or that upwardly mobile executives make to bigger houses. This was the “we’re three months behind on the rent and the bills, let’s get the hell out of Dodge” kind of move. Consequently, I learned not to invest too much time in developing friendships.

            I was the new kid a lot and it embarrassed me. I used sports to prove my worth to all the kids. By the time we moved to Dover and I enrolled at Sacred Heart School, I’d already attended Sacred heart School in Bloomfield, Immaculate Conception School in Montclair, Central School in Glen Ridge, River Styx School in Lake Hopatcong, St. Michael’s School in Netcong, Mount Arlington School in Mount Arlington, and East Dover Elementary for two weeks(phew!). Someone once asked me how long I attended St. Michael’s and I responded, “Until the first recess then we moved.” That wasn’t far from the truth!

            Once we moved to Dover and I was in one school for a while, I began to feel comfortable. Although I really didn’t have any close friends, I was very popular. By the time I was in eighth grade, I was voted class president.

            After I graduated from eighth grade, it was a really frightening experience to start my high-school career at Dover Junior High. Most of the class from Sacred Heart went to Morris Catholic High School. But since I had failed the entrance exam I was going to Dover public schools. In retrospect I’m so grateful I did, because I met three men at Doer High school who were the basis for the Miracle of Friendship. Before we became friends I walked the halls scared to death and felt completely alone. Hanging out with some guys I knew from midget football and Little League baseball was my only other option. At least I had some company at lunchtime. The truth is that they didn’t like me much, and the feeling was mutual. They often made fun of me because I was a skinny Sacred Heart kid with no money, ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch every day and wore clothes that weren’t making any fashion statements.

            Someone I knew from Sacred Heart lived next door to David Loeb and introduced us. David introduced me to his childhood friend, Michael Gruber, and their friend, Danny Benz. They all played basketball. I had started playing more basketball in eighth grade and really loved the game. I wanted to get to know the guys better, but knew it was improbable if I didn’t qualify for the basketball team.

            Realistically, there was no reason to think I could make the freshman basketball team at DHS. Nevertheless, I had hope instilled in my by my sister that just maybe I could do it. Hope wasn’t the same as confidence, and it wasn’t a belief or certainty in my mind. I loved basketball, but I was a terrible player at the time. It was going to take something special for me to make the team. And something special happened. Because of my hard work in the preseason, Coach Cagnasola didn’t have the heart to cut me form the team. I don’t think he was consciously aware of how much I needed to make the team, but he knew on some very deep level. My name was on the list of those who made the mean. Wow!!

            The Miracle of Friendship blessed me when I made the team. My friendships with Danny, Michael, and David altered my life. Having three friends at this crucial period of development is truly a miracle to me. I have met many people and had many friendships over the years. But without Danny, Michael, and David I’m not sure I would have been able to get through my teen years. The Importance of these guys and their families is immeasurable. I know they love me. The depth of gratitude and love I feel for them, because they helped save my life, is so very deep it can be painful. They probably think we are just friends, not aware they are lifesavers. I owe tem so much. They will always live in my heart.

            My oldest daughter, Serena, listens to a lot of my music and watches concerts on DVD with me. Tears come to my eyes when I hear certain music and she asks me what’s wrong. I tell her nothing’s wrong—my tears are happy, loving tears. The songs remind me of my three friends and what they meant to me t such a vulnerable time in my life.

            These friends’ families meant the world to me. I felt such safety in their homes, unlike the hyper vigilance I had to maintain in my own home. I have wonderful memories of Mrs. Gruber cooking steak and veggies for me in the kitchen of their home in Dover. It was a small thing to her, I’m sure, but it meant a lot to me. So many times in my home there was no food, virtually nothing to eat, sometimes for a week or more—if anything maybe a raw potato or biscuits made from flour and water. The food I stole from stores and the school cafeteria was often all I had to eat. Mrs. Gruber seemed so happy to feed me, and I was overjoyed more then she could possibly know. For two or three years, we boys helped her open their summer house on Lake Hopatcong by cleaning windows. The payoff was always a great spaghetti dinner. It was wonderful to be able to relax, feel safe and be fed.

            It’s funny how everything is relative. I talked to Kathy Gruber at Michael’s fiftieth birthday party and told her how much I enjoyed her mother’s cooking. She rolled her eyes and said her mom was a terrible cook, while I thought I was in culinary heaven! Mrs. Gruber often commented that she knew the Touhey boys would not get out of line because our dad would not tolerate it. She always said it in a kidding way. As I was annihilating whatever food was in front of me, I thought, “If you only knew the level of violence in my house, you wouldn’t kid about it.” Since abused children are masters at hiding their pain and their family secret, she wasn’t able to figure that out.

            I loved going to the Loebs’ house too. Mr. Loeb was crazy about sports and it was a treat to hang out in their family room, watch a little of his beloved Knicks, and hear him analyze the game. Mrs. Loeb always asked about everyone, was always so glad to see me, and always had some tale to tell. This home was another very safe place to be Mrs. Loeb was a teacher at DHS so it was terrific to see her in the halls (thought I think a friend I once locker her out of a classroom). In the spring and sometimes in summer I walked from my house to David’s and shot baskets in the driveway. This ritual lasted well into our college years, but it’s those days in high school I remember most. We would just hang out, talk, and shoot baskets. These weren’t really games; there was no keeping score, just buddies hanging out in friendship.

            I think what I loved then and still love about David is his gentleness. Even as a teen, David had a peaceful nature. With all the pain, fear, and rage I had bottled up inside, a heavy burden was lifted when I experienced Dave’s energy. He probably thinks I just liked the great parties at his house, but it was so much more. I can hardly express how Dave, being so kind and solid, was an anchor for me. I didn’t always act accordingly, but I am so glad he was such a big part of my life. Dave seemed to always have things in perspective regarding sports and his career. He had a good head on his shoulders and set a great example for me, which was such a gift. Today I admire the way he operates his dental practice. He seems to have perfect blend of work and recreation while attending to the joys in his life and being financially prosperous. I am sure David didn’t understand he was giving me that lesson. I wasn’t always aware I was learning that lesson. All I knew was I wanted him to be my friend and I wanted to be around him.

            I was so driven to be good in basketball that I am sure it made Dave uncomfortable. Danny was driven to be good, too, but the difference was the energy I’d created around training and playing the game. My life depended on me succeeding in sports. I had an almost unnatural urgency to make it big. I absolutely had to make it and be the best, always number one. My well-being, my peace, and the badge of success for our family were based on athletic success. So much depended on me being a great player. It was a real burden for a young man to carry. I am just glad that the miracle of Dave happened to me. I still love to go and visit Mrs. Loeb. As I sit him her family room I can feel the same safety, calm, and love I always enjoyed as a young man.

            I want Dave to know that I held on to our friendship for dear life. I didn’t even let my paranoid father intimidate me into severing this friendship or my ties with Mike and Danny. My father had taught me that the object in any competitive endeavor was to win at all costs and not worry about anyone else. He established that credo for the boys in the family even in competing with one another and our friends. Fellowship, having good relationships, and caring about your teammates were secondary to making sure to win and get all the accolades. Despite that, I knew that I craved a lasting relationship with David, and that jealousy wasn’t the desired outcome of being on a team.

            We didn’t lack competitive edge with each other but we always respected and honored our true friendship. My father made those friendships hard to keep because he wanted me to feel no one should get in the way of my being number one. I am proud of the fact that I stood up in the face of his pressure and made competing with my friends less important than our relationships.